Mood Diary: I've been feeling a lot, a lot better. I think tweaking my meds worked, but I reached out to my Mom (huge step) and she's agreed to help me find a prescribing psychiatrist. I had one anxiety attack during the trip and I am still not sleeping well. I've been up since 3:30 - went to sleep at 11:30 even though I ran 3 miles and felt exhausted after.
This is the letter I wrote my step-mom (who basically raised me). My step-mom has fought my bipolar diagnosis for years. I feel like I can't even talk to her about it. To me, it's like a giant elephant in the room She is a physician, which makes it all the more frustrating. But currently I am not sleeping, suffering from severe mood swings, and I cannot afford to pay for a psychiatrist. I don't have a job, nor do I have health insurance. A is her new husband. I post this in case there is anyone who feels they need to reach out to their parents but think it is virtually impossible to convince them this disease is real. It is possible. Sometimes it just takes persistence. I got a positive response from both and even a "hang in there" from her husband. We're having dinner to discuss treatment tonight.
Mom & A,
If need be, my therapist in N.O. (who helped get me out of the mental hospital when I got committed after my suicide attempt) is willing to write you a letter. I've cc'd my therapist because I promised her I would reach out to you. Future commitment isn't outside the realm of possibility. It's an ugly truth but it's real.
I really, really, really need to see a prescribing psychiatrist. Do you have an recommendations? This is becoming an urgent necessity. I'm rapid cycling between bouts of deep depression, then states really high energy that border on panic (rapid heartbeat, sweating, I tend to run for 5-10 miles to expend the energy) -we're talking severe, severe mood swings. And I've been suffering from awful insomnia (average of 3-4 hours of sleep - ex: last night I finally fell asleep at 2 and woke up at 5). This is NOT a good sign.
Not everything going on is negative - I did start going to a bipolar support group (free) in SF, that has been truly amazing.
I'm including you, A, because I trust you and really need as much support as I can get trying to stop this rapid cycling so I don't become manic again. A, I also trust that you will read this because I worry Mom skims long emails due to her busy schedule. Insomnia is a huge factor that triggers mania. I've been prescribed NON-NARCOTIC sleeping aids before. That is what I'll ask for. I don't like taking them any more than you both dislike them. I don't want Ambien. I'll stop as soon as I get a regular sleep cycle. To prevent these 4-6 weeks deep, deep, deep depressions that have happened over the course of the past 9 months, I may need to supplement my medicinal cocktail. It may not be cheap. But I don't know what to do. I can't keep losing MONTHS at a time because I literally can't function. When I'm in this state I can't pick myself up by my bootstraps. I become like H (my half-sister). I become almost catatonic. I physically ache. I am almost paralyzed at the thought of leaving the house: my agoraphobia and anxiety become insufferable. I cry constantly. I have flashbacks to childhood abuse [from my biological mother]. Again, these are ugly truths but they are real.
S has seen all of what I describe and more. He is also cc'd. S has even attended the support group with me. Yes, mom he is INCREDIBLE. I love him and foresee a long-term future with him. But he doesn't cure my disease. Being in love is not a solution for treatment. I've already made that mistake with R.
If need be, my therapist in N.O. (who helped get me out of the mental hospital when I got committed after my suicide attempt) is willing to write you a letter. I've cc'd my therapist because I promised her I would reach out to you. Future commitment isn't outside the realm of possibility. It's an ugly truth but it's real.
I really, really, really need to see a prescribing psychiatrist. Do you have an recommendations? This is becoming an urgent necessity. I'm rapid cycling between bouts of deep depression, then states really high energy that border on panic (rapid heartbeat, sweating, I tend to run for 5-10 miles to expend the energy) -we're talking severe, severe mood swings. And I've been suffering from awful insomnia (average of 3-4 hours of sleep - ex: last night I finally fell asleep at 2 and woke up at 5). This is NOT a good sign.
Not everything going on is negative - I did start going to a bipolar support group (free) in SF, that has been truly amazing.
I'm including you, A, because I trust you and really need as much support as I can get trying to stop this rapid cycling so I don't become manic again. A, I also trust that you will read this because I worry Mom skims long emails due to her busy schedule. Insomnia is a huge factor that triggers mania. I've been prescribed NON-NARCOTIC sleeping aids before. That is what I'll ask for. I don't like taking them any more than you both dislike them. I don't want Ambien. I'll stop as soon as I get a regular sleep cycle. To prevent these 4-6 weeks deep, deep, deep depressions that have happened over the course of the past 9 months, I may need to supplement my medicinal cocktail. It may not be cheap. But I don't know what to do. I can't keep losing MONTHS at a time because I literally can't function. When I'm in this state I can't pick myself up by my bootstraps. I become like H (my half-sister). I become almost catatonic. I physically ache. I am almost paralyzed at the thought of leaving the house: my agoraphobia and anxiety become insufferable. I cry constantly. I have flashbacks to childhood abuse [from my biological mother]. Again, these are ugly truths but they are real.
S has seen all of what I describe and more. He is also cc'd. S has even attended the support group with me. Yes, mom he is INCREDIBLE. I love him and foresee a long-term future with him. But he doesn't cure my disease. Being in love is not a solution for treatment. I've already made that mistake with R.
I moved out to California for precisely this reason. I need support from my family. I need my family to become a support network as I master my disorder so my life doesn't spiral out of control as it has repeatedly has since I was diagnosed at 16. We're talking 10 years now. Every single doctor I have seen agrees with this diagnosis. I am textbook bipolar. My manic episodes are frighteningly real. You are both welcome to attend the bipolar support group so you can hear how so many other's experience mirror my own. Mom, I love you and I know this is a harsh reality but I am not ruined and I have not given up and I think I have a bright future ahead of me as long as I can master this. This is not something to stress over because I am trying to help myself. Bipolar disorder is like diabetes. Diabetics need to take insulin, I need to take medication and be monitored by a prescribing psychiatrist.
Please help me.
P.S I'm worried about my upcoming trip abroad. I also want to make sure I have my medicinal cocktail correct before I go abroad. I became manic in London and got kicked out of my program because they thought I was doing cocaine. I've never mentioned it but I got very depressed in Kenya for two months (and literally dragged myself to my internship, co-workers saw a noticeable difference, I lost 20 pounds and looked haggard) and then I became manic toward the end with grandiose ideas of literally, actually saving the world. I'm not Gandhi.
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