Insomnia

I go to bed around 10, fall asleep around 11:30, sleep restlessly for a few hours and then -bam!- my eyes burst open, I'm wide awake, dreading to look at my clock because I know the first number is going to be a 3.

Over the past 2 weeks I've been waking up at 3 am no matter what time I go to sleep, how much I exercise, or what over the counter pills (melatonin, benadryl) I take.

Usually insomnia is one of the first indicators that I'm having a full-blown manic episode. Or insomnia serves as a trigger of mania because, like so many other symptoms of bipolar disorder, it can be a case of: Which came first? the chicken or the egg? But I am groggy as hell (in that singular way that only occurs when you stay up all night) and exhausted during the day - which does NOT happen when I'm manic. (Pffft, I have no need for sleep when I'm manic). My eyes sting because they haven't gotten any rest.

At some point during the day, I'll want to sleep but I avoid naps so that I can go to bed. At night, I can fall asleep for a few hours but I keep waking up. Last night I couldn't even fall asleep because of anxiety induced by the dread of another sleepless night. Then I lie in bed for an hour or two talking in my head. Not talking to anyone specific or imaginary, just verbalizing my feelings. So I just lie there, awash in feelings of hopelessness, wondering if these cycles are ever going to end, driving myself nuts, wishing I could have someone to talk to.

My boyfriend, heretofore referred to as 'S' -one of the most patient, kind, and understanding individuals I've ever met)- wakes periodically as I toss and turn and tells me to "relax." Since this has been going on for a while now, tonight I snapped at him: "If it were that easy, I would be relaxing! Stop telling me that! It's. not. helping." I've been snapping a lot lately. A running theme in my life is an inability to get a grip on frustration. (A major symptom of bipolar disorder are bouts of extreme, unpredictable irritability... surprise, surprise.) So thoughts just go round and round. It's so lonely at 3 am even when there is a body right next to. That makes it almost more isolating. I just want to join him in slumber.

It's currently 7:21 am.

I've been deeply depressed, barely treading water in a sea of despair, literally physically aching for 2 months now. While manic I'm invincibly euphoric, nothing and no one can hurt me and there is nothing I can't do. So, if I'm not manic what is happening to me?

Over the past few days, my insomnia has become the catalyst for me to seek help. I hope it will aid someone else if I describe this process to anyone in a similar position, who can't afford traditional, private treatment. Affordable treatment alternatives- in the form of community programs or university public clinics - are completely foreign to me. But I've got to do something to help me sleep and I'm sick of feeling like I'm slowly but surely drowning in personal failure, overwhelmed by even the simplest of tasks, afraid to leave my house, and that I'm a lost cause. And I am really sick of waking up to a glowing, red number 3.