Living in fear of becoming manic

A brilliant idea has just been suggested to me to solve a problem I've spent a year having serious anxiety over. Anxiety as in I avoided checking my email for 3 months. I realize it is a really, REALLY big improvement when I am emotionally capable to check my email. When I'm feeling really bad, the amount of crippling anxiety and resulting avoidance, overwhelms me at the thought of checking it. I can't acknowledge that there is an outside world that might be bombarding me with responsibility I just am not up to handling. I am on the board of a non-profit and while I LOVE serving on it, for a while it was inducing paralyzing fear because I was avoiding it but I didn't want to lose my position.

Anyway this problem has 30 women in Kenya relying on me to find a solution - needless to say, it is a lot of pressure and for a while I simply caved under it. I.could.not.handle.it.

So I am feeling better. Which is surprising because I'm actually traveling right now for the next two weeks. Traveling is stressful to anyone and the amount of family and friends I have not seen in a long time even more so. A lot of these friends have seen me during REALLY bad periods. Before I believed my diagnosis & took my medication - I just ran around totally crazy. 

The way my one friend put it: "I just tell people, Anon-bipolar (me:) has calmed down now." It just made think about how I must have come across when I was manic as a teenager and early adult. I remember having so much untapped energy & absolutely no filter or self-awareness. Not to mention a serious binge drinking problem which caused constant bouts of hysteria and violent outbursts which I took out on friends I cared so much about, to the extent that many people had to shut me out of their lives for extended periods of time. I know they will never look at me the same way but I always feel lucky that so many people will still talk to me. It's incredible how looking back through the bipolar lens can make so many actions and so many periods that you have such intent guilt over makes SENSE.

I just went to my sister's wedding. My family is large and there is a serious problematic history. I've upped my Lamictal to 400 mg and have been taking it pretty consistently. This is hard because it gives me headaches. It used to give me headaches when I took all 100 mg at once but now it takes about 200mg to give me the headaches. What really drives me nuts though is that it causes motion sickness for a few hours after taking it. I don't get nauseous unless I'm in a car. I also dug out these samples of Abilify a shrink gave me last spring and am supplementing the Lamictal, Prozac (40mg) cocktail with 5 mg of Abilify. Abilify has been recommended to me by countless physicians but it is 300/month so I can't afford it. I have a months worth and they told me at the bipolar support group that there are organizations in San Francisco who may help pay for meds. It takes a while for any of these mood stabilizers to work so I wanted to start taking them now. S is concerned about it but I'm ignoring it even though I appreciate that he cares.

I'm worried because I am still not sleeping. I was up till 3 am after the wedding and woke up at 6. Not sleeping can prolong a depressive cycle or trigger a manic episode. Because of my manic episode last March and hypomania which may have lasted up till August. I am, in a way, scared to feel better. My excitement over this suggestion to my Kenya problem, which solves a HUGE obstacle I have been clueless as to how to overcome, scares me. 

I don't want to get grandiose ideas about success like I have on so many other occasions. When this happens I then become very depressed when I don't meet such lofty goals. I feel like a failure even though, what I am now realizing, is that this is a result of being manic, not an effect of being incompetent. 

 I need to stay grounded and realistic. I think the best way may be to make sure many people are involved in the process - sort of to keep my thoughts in check. 

When I'm manic or hypomanic I absolutely think I can take on the world.  I think I can go to Harvard and enroll in a demanding grad school program, when in reality, my bipolar mind just can't handle that kind of stress. I've FINALLY been able to admit to myself that it is ok to live a normal, 'boring', STABLE life. I can find contentment in stability alone. It's just so difficult to restrain such racing thoughts because the feeling that accompanies them are SO pleasant, so exciting... you feel so high.

It's much more glamorous and exciting to plan a career saving the world by working for the UN than it is to be a 1st grade teacher. I am thinking about pursuing teaching because I do have a lot of energy for young kids, I would get a chance to implement my passion using a school environment - community gardens in low-income areas, and it has a steady schedule with some time off in the summer. Certainly not lucrative, but another thing I've come to terms with: 

At this point, I would kill for just a 'normal' life. 

My boyfriend S has helped me see a lot of this and I love him so much for it.