Lamictal & Night Sweats

Lamictal has been, by far, the best mood stabilizer I've been on. When first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the boarding school I attended put me on a massive dose of lithium. I remember my world incessantly buzzing, feeling like I had more in common with the fluorescent light bulbs in the hallways than any human around me. I couldn't form complete sentences. I felt trapped deep within my own body. It was awful and turned me off from medicinal treatment for years. I think if I'd had a more positive experience when first put on meds, I wouldn't have battled my entire diagnosis for so long after.

Currently I'm on 400mg of Lamictal (it's considered a lot, and I only recently went from 200 to 400, there has been a stark contrast between the two doses) and fluoxetine (prozac) 40 mg. A bipolar patient can't take an anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer because there is a high risk anti-depressants will trigger a manic episode. In fact, many doctors won't even prescribe them to bipolar patients. However, because the bottom drops out so severely when I am depressed, I need to stay on one. It serves as a safety net.

Night Sweats
I spoke with L, one of the support group founders, and we talked about Lamictal side effects. He brought up night sweats. It's 4 am, and I've finally given up on sleeping after waking up sopping wet, sweatpants damp to the touch, and sheets that you could literally wring out. S and I sleep on a king sized bed thank god, because otherwise he'd be forced to lay in my own pool of sweat. In fact, my feelings were hurt yesterday morning when he rolled over to hold me and jerked away because of how cold and wet my share of the sheets were. (another example of my intolerable sensitivity). Right now, I'm literally drenched. The hair on my scalp is slick, you can see large wet spots all over my gray pants, every inch of my skin is covered in a salty residue, and I feel like I just completed strenuous exercise.

I don't think I've ever really pinpointed a period in my life where I've been able to say, 'Oh, those are night sweats.' I've always been haunted by the severe child abuse I experienced at the hands of my biological mother. Scenes come to me in flashbacks or in vivid dreams. (If something is thrown anywhere near my person, you're guaranteed to see me duck or cover my head. It's why I'm a runner: trying to avoid being hit by a ball is one of the most unenjoyable things I can imagine. I cannot play sports.) So, to recognize night sweats as a side-effect from my medicine is kind of a relief. It's better than once again, wondering 'what is wrong with me?' and feeling embarrassed that the person willing to sleep beside me must bear witness to (let alone sleep in) something that, let's be honest, is pretty gross.

I don't constantly get night sweats. I go through a week or 2 or 3 where it happens almost every night. And then, it won't happen for a while... and then it will come back. Given how little I've been sleeping for the past two months (insomnia problem is still not solved, but I do have an upcoming psych appt!), night sweats have only compounded the exhaustion I am currently experiencing every hour of every day.

And yet this - compared to other side-effects from other medications I have been on, and most importantly, compared to how completely non-functional I become off meds - is still worth it. I want to live my life.


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Recent developments:
2 people moved into our house and I'm starting to flip because it no longer feels safe. I just keep telling myself I can spend a night at my Mom's if I am desperate. I think I'm getting desperate pretty quickly.

I gave up an opportunity to go abroad for 3 months because I worry about my emotional stability - which I think is a mature decision. I have a bad history with traveling and mania.*Pat on the back*

I'm going to try to, dun dun dun, get a job at an after school program. Having enough confidence in my ability to function in order to apply for a job is a big deal. I just don't want to fuck up yet another job, yet another responsibility, anymore. It's 4 hours in the afternoon, 5 days a week, playing with little kids. In general, I'm trying to learn to have realistic expectations of my capabilities. This seems like something I can manage. Like anyone with a debilitating disease, I've learned a lot of bipolar people have a hard time holding jobs, and met a few of those people at my support group, which I guess makes me feel better in a way, but still - emotionally, I just can't afford to fuck this up.